This is not funny!
I dream in black and white.
No, I'm not being poetic, I actually dream in black and white. Its weird, cos I hardly dream yeah, but whenever I do, it looks like I was starring in one of those movies white people watch in movies. I think its a medical condition. The average youth dreams in technicolour. Maybe it has something to do with my fashion sense, but that's by the way. And these dreams aren't normal dreams. Yes, I know, normal dreams aren't normal. But these dreams are just...just way over the posted limit. Its becoming scary to me, maybe I should see a doctor? Or a psychiatrist? Or maybe I should just consult the nearest MFM consortium near me. Maybe all I need is a few cracks of the old fashioned 'koboko' whips to bring my brain cell endings back to their senses, maybe I need to puff a joint, or maybe I'm just normal, and everybody that has "normal" dreams is mad. (Very likely). Enough with the chit chatter, I'm sure you want to know what these dreams are like. I'll explain.
Dream 1:
The last dream I had was not-so-scary (to the best of my knowledge, cos u forget some dreams when you wake up). But in the dream, I was a doctor.
Pause.
Me? A doctor??? I can't stand the very sight of blood!!
But I was a doctor. A successful one! With no wife, no kids! Cos I was just 20. Top rated and all that, with the respect my age superiors craved for. I was Top notch, with access to state-of-the-art facilities and the latest breakthrough in technology and...blah blah blah.
Anyway, I was in the labor room and I was trying to help this woman be delivered of her baby. (This is ironical, cos I can't even watch a complete video of a baby being delivered without cringing.)
But I was helping her through. Soothing her, calming her, doing all the doctor-procedure things. Till finally, she delivered.
MAMA, NA BOY!!!
I turned the boy around to smack his blood-stained baby booty, when the baby boy said (YES PEOPLE! THE BABY BOY SPOKE!):
"Wait! Before you smack me, what is your name doctor."
"Ben Franklin", I said.
"Ben, what state are you from?"
"Benue state"
"Benue? Isn't that in Nigeria?"
"Why, yes it is! I'm glad to see that you are already showing prospects in your current affairs"
"SHUT UP you fool!!! I didn't want to come back to this place!! Fuck this shit!! The fucking baby-transportation system is faulty! I said Benin! (Republic) Not Benue? I want light!! Light!! LIGHT for Pete's sake!!!"
And at that moment, I woke up! Drenched in a pool of my own sweat! No, I wasn't sweating cos of the dream. I was sweating cos of the heat. There was no light!
I see the baby's point.
Dream 2:
In dream two, I was the successful CEO of an IT company.
Yes, I know. Apparently, in all my dreams, I am successful. Forgive me if my subconscious also dreams big.
I was the chairman. Big house, beautiful wife (you know now, no dulling), two wonderful kids, and the best garage men of my cadre could brag about.
And as CEO, a lot of people knew what my ass tasted like. I was invited to all sorts of balls, and dinners and parties of different calibers. But I never went.
One day, my wife got tired of turning all these invites down and decided it was time for us to attend one. So we picked the next black tie event and we started preparing for it.
Apparently, my children were into dinners too, so the whole family was preparing to go. On the evening of the event, I was sitting in the living room with my wife when my "kids" walked in.
You noticed "kids" was in quotes right? Yes. "Kids". Cos they looked nothing like my children.
My "son" was a 3-feet tall, heavily bearded man, with shades, and a big chain around his neck, with a pendant that looked just like his face.
I was taken aback, and I blurted out!
"Who do you think you are?"
He took off his shades, looked me in the face, and said
"Big Meech".
(Ma wife just screams "Halleluyah" for no reason)
And my daughter! My own daughter, came out from behind him wearing a "dress" and a veil to cover her face and her entire body. I couldn't tell the colour of the dress, because as you know, the dream was black and white.
I'm surprised she came out from behind a 4-foot version of Rick Ross, because she was wearing heels that were taller than me. And the dress she was wearing was made out of ponmo!
I was so surprised, I thought I was in one of those Kanye West videos, only to turn around and see ma wife pouting at me with Jay Z lips.
I woke up instantly!
My father once told me to take care of my fears, otherwise, they would haunt my sleep. Apparently, he was right.
People! It has become scary! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared of sleep! The people following me on twitter, they all know that I am Chairman, co-founder, deputy CEO of #TeamInsomnia (and we deceive ourselves that sleep is for losers). But sincerely, I would love to get some sleep. I have tried sleeping pills, but that led to Dream 2! I don't want anymore monochrome dreams! What do I do?
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
No Offense
I mean no offense to lawyers by posting this, It's just that sometimes, they'll have nothing to ask, and end up saying crap!! No offence...Here are some of the questions they asked at such moments:
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
21. Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
22. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on DEAD people?
23. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
24. Q: Mr. Bendega, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
25. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
26. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Picture this:
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."...hehe
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
..Yes, it is that bad!
On the other hand:
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
Because deep down they really are good people.
(...see, I mean no offense)
1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself?
7. How long have you been a French Canadian?
8. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14. So you were gone until you returned?
15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
21. Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
22. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on DEAD people?
23. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
24. Q: Mr. Bendega, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
25. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
26. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Picture this:
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."...hehe
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
..Yes, it is that bad!
On the other hand:
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
Because deep down they really are good people.
(...see, I mean no offense)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I'm Sorry
I walk into the room and she's crying
"Here we go again"
I take a seat, I'm sighing
"What's wrong girl, what's going on?"
"You don't love me no more" "I'm trying"
"I still love you" "You're lying"
"I'm not, its just that our fire"
"Its dying"
"I hate to admit, but there's no point denying"
"Wait, so what are you implying?"
"Nothing. I too can't read between the lines
But if you choose to ignore the signs
Doesn't change the fact that we
Are headed for the mines
And no matter what, I'll still 'love' you
But I've started putting others above you
I wish you didn't have feelings for me
So before we
Start hating each other
Its over
I'm sorry"
"Here we go again"
I take a seat, I'm sighing
"What's wrong girl, what's going on?"
"You don't love me no more" "I'm trying"
"I still love you" "You're lying"
"I'm not, its just that our fire"
"Its dying"
"I hate to admit, but there's no point denying"
"Wait, so what are you implying?"
"Nothing. I too can't read between the lines
But if you choose to ignore the signs
Doesn't change the fact that we
Are headed for the mines
And no matter what, I'll still 'love' you
But I've started putting others above you
I wish you didn't have feelings for me
So before we
Start hating each other
Its over
I'm sorry"
Monday, December 6, 2010
What Would You Do?
...
Just close your eyes and count to ten
Go back to when
The sword actually was mightier than the pen
Back before there was a Ben
When boys were boys and youths were men
And then;
Think, if there never was a "you",
If all you knew is everything but true
If all the hearts were drawn in dark blue
If your fantasies were overdue
If the color black was the only hue
If falsity was all you knew
If all your dreams grew wings and flew
If life was nothing but a clue
What would you do?
Just close your eyes and count to ten
Go back to when
The sword actually was mightier than the pen
Back before there was a Ben
When boys were boys and youths were men
And then;
Think, if there never was a "you",
If all you knew is everything but true
If all the hearts were drawn in dark blue
If your fantasies were overdue
If the color black was the only hue
If falsity was all you knew
If all your dreams grew wings and flew
If life was nothing but a clue
What would you do?
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Too Stupid
If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is supposedly a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal :
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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