My Dreams

This is not funny!

I dream in black and white.

No, I'm not being poetic, I actually dream in black and white. Its weird, cos I hardly dream yeah, but whenever I do, it looks like I was starring in one of those movies white people watch in movies. I think its a medical condition. The average youth dreams in technicolour. Maybe it has something to do with my fashion sense, but that's by the way. And these dreams aren't normal dreams. Yes, I know, normal dreams aren't normal. But these dreams are just...just way over the posted limit. Its becoming scary to me, maybe I should see a doctor? Or a psychiatrist? Or maybe I should just consult the nearest MFM consortium near me. Maybe all I need is a few cracks of the old fashioned 'koboko' whips to bring my brain cell endings back to their senses, maybe I need to puff a joint, or maybe I'm just normal, and everybody that has "normal" dreams is mad. (Very likely). Enough with the chit chatter, I'm sure you want to know what these dreams are like. I'll explain.

Dream 1:
The last dream I had was not-so-scary (to the best of my knowledge, cos u forget some dreams when you wake up). But in the dream, I was a doctor.

Pause.

Me? A doctor??? I can't stand the very sight of blood!!

But I was a doctor. A successful one! With no wife, no kids! Cos I was just 20. Top rated and all that, with the respect my age superiors craved for. I was Top notch, with access to state-of-the-art facilities and the latest breakthrough in technology and...blah blah blah.

Anyway, I was in the labor room and I was trying to help this woman be delivered of her baby. (This is ironical, cos I can't even watch a complete video of a baby being delivered without cringing.)

But I was helping her through. Soothing her, calming her, doing all the doctor-procedure things. Till finally, she delivered.

MAMA, NA BOY!!!

I turned the boy around to smack his blood-stained baby booty, when the baby boy said (YES PEOPLE! THE BABY BOY SPOKE!):

"Wait! Before you smack me, what is your name doctor."

"Ben Franklin", I said.

"Ben, what state are you from?"

"Benue state"

"Benue? Isn't that in Nigeria?"

"Why, yes it is! I'm glad to see that you are already showing prospects in your current affairs"

"SHUT UP you fool!!! I didn't want to come back to this place!! Fuck this shit!! The fucking baby-transportation system is faulty! I said Benin! (Republic) Not Benue? I want light!! Light!! LIGHT for Pete's sake!!!"

And at that moment, I woke up! Drenched in a pool of my own sweat! No, I wasn't sweating cos of the dream. I was sweating cos of the heat. There was no light!

I see the baby's point.




Dream 2:
In dream two, I was the successful CEO of an IT company.


Yes, I know. Apparently, in all my dreams, I am successful. Forgive me if my subconscious also dreams big.


I was the chairman. Big house, beautiful wife (you know now, no dulling), two wonderful kids, and the best garage men of my cadre could brag about.

And as CEO, a lot of people knew what my ass tasted like. I was invited to all sorts of balls, and dinners and parties of different calibers. But I never went.

One day, my wife got tired of turning all these invites down and decided it was time for us to attend one. So we picked the next black tie event and we started preparing for it.


Apparently, my children were into dinners too, so the whole family was preparing to go. On the evening of the event, I was sitting in the living room with my wife when my "kids" walked in.


You noticed "kids" was in quotes right? Yes. "Kids". Cos they looked nothing like my children.


My "son" was a 3-feet tall, heavily bearded man, with shades, and a big chain around his neck, with a pendant that looked just like his face.


I was taken aback, and I blurted out!

"Who do you think you are?"

He took off his shades, looked me in the face, and said

"Big Meech".

(Ma wife just screams "Halleluyah" for no reason)

And my daughter! My own daughter, came out from behind him wearing a "dress" and a veil to cover her face and her entire body. I couldn't tell the colour of the dress, because as you know, the dream was black and white.

I'm surprised she came out from behind a 4-foot version of Rick Ross, because she was wearing heels that were taller than me. And the dress she was wearing was made out of ponmo!


I was so surprised, I thought I was in one of those Kanye West videos, only to turn around and see ma wife pouting at me with Jay Z lips.


I woke up instantly!


My father once told me to take care of my fears, otherwise, they would haunt my sleep. Apparently, he was right.



People! It has become scary! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared of sleep! The people following me on twitter, they all know that I am Chairman, co-founder, deputy CEO of #TeamInsomnia (and we deceive ourselves that sleep is for losers). But sincerely, I would love to get some sleep. I have tried sleeping pills, but that led to Dream 2! I don't want anymore monochrome dreams! What do I do?