Toasted

This is not funny. This shit actually happened.


One fateful day, I was walking down ma street. Cool breeze, nice weather, it was the kind of day when nothing could go wrong. (Apparently, whenever you have one of those days, just stay at home. Will ya?) Anyway, I was walking down the street when I got approached by this hot "chick".

Yup. Not the other way around. I got approached. #NoJoke

And "she" went, "I think you're really cute, and we should get together sometime. Might be worth your while. How about tomorrow night?"

I was startled. Ma jaw wide open, I didn't know what to tell "her". I mean, this "girl" was damn fine. The kind I'll not have the cohonas to approach, asking me on a date.

"she" smiled and went; "gimme a call, here's my number."

Then "she" pulled up ma shirt sleeve, took lipstick from "her" purse, and wrote down "her" number on ma fore-arm.

I felt molested and exalted at the same time. I just got toasted by a hot "female", I mean, how many guys get to say that. But "she" just wrote "her" number down on ma arm. In lipstick! That was unorthodox.

Anyway, the next day, I called "her". Using ma sexiest masculine tone, and asked "her" where we should meet. "she" gave me an address, I got ready, and went to "her" crib.

so I get up to the chick's crib, which isn't too far from mine, "she" welcomes me, asks me to feel at home, and offers me a drink.

Now, many of my friends have drugged girls that happened to stroll into their domot. I forgot that in this situation, I was the girl. In more ways than one, as I was soon to find out.

"she" brought the drinks and we toasted to new friendship. Ah! Had I known.

Here comes the good part. "she" sits on ma lap, and we start kissing. 5 minutes later, we moved on to touching. Next thing, we're in 3rd base.

"she" takes off the buttons on ma shirt, and unbuckles my belt. Then "she" kneels on the floor, brings out ma dick, and literally blows my mind.

I'm ecstatic! Feeling like Drake, Best head I've ever had!


This is where things get a little confusing. A little.

"she" gets up, wipes "her" lips, unbuckles "her" own belt, and whips out a dick that's bigger than mine, and says in the most masculine voice I've ever heard;

"Your turn bitch!"

Pause.

I know you've been wondering why the words "she", "girl", "her" and "female" have been in quotes since.

Well, now you know.

Apparently, I was about to have sex with a she-male. But enough about me let's get back to the story.

"Your turn bitch!"

I scream!!!!!! Then I pull up ma pants and make for the door!

"she" is faster!

"she" grabs hold of ma legs and says; "you aint going nowhere bitch! I didn't just blow you for fun, you better get on your knees and toss my salad."

At this point, I am frantic! I begin to kick and push and shove and yell;

"I am nobody's bitch! I will not toss ur salad! I am not sucking anyone's dick!! No way! No way!!"

"she" is really strong. "she" overpowers me and strips me naked, and just as "she" is about to stick "her" 7-inch dick in ma asshole, I wake up!

I sat on the floor. Drenched in sweat. Happy it was just a dream, happy that my butt-crack hadn't been expanded beyond Pluto, happy I didn't actually just get blown by a "girl", just plain happy. Till I looked around me.

There are broken bottles and lamps, and vases in the room, and Tedo was standing at the door of the room with a camcorder and a wicked smile.

Tedo: Nigga! Gay ass negro! You dreaming about dropping the soap? Was this one in black and white too?

Me: yeah.

Tedo: You gonna blog about it?

Me: no.

Tedo: *closes cam* Too bad. Now I have to upload this vid on you-tube.

so this is me, blogging about ma third white-and-black dream. Hoping it will stop him from uploading that shameful video of a grown ass man begging to be nobody's bitch.


Ps: I am not gay. :|